5 signs your child is struggling but not telling you

Children often communicate distress through behaviour rather than words. The parent who waits for the child to come and say "I am struggling" may wait a long time. Here are the five signs that mean a younger child is probably having a harder time than they are showing, and what to do when you see them.

Sign 1: A change in how they sleep

Sleep is one of the most reliable indicators of childhood distress. The signs to watch for: trouble falling asleep, frequent waking, nightmares becoming regular, requests to sleep in the parent's bed after years of sleeping independently, early waking, or sudden resistance to going to bed alone. These patterns often appear before the child can articulate what is bothering them.

Sign 2: Stomachaches and headaches without medical cause

Children somatize. Their nervous systems express distress through the body before they have language for it. Frequent stomachaches or headaches, especially before school, before specific activities, or at predictable times, often signal anxiety or stress that the child cannot yet name. Pediatric assessment first to rule out medical causes, then look at the emotional layer.

Sign 3: A change in what they do for play

Children's play reflects their internal world. Watch for: increased aggression in play (with dolls, action figures, drawing), repetitive play around themes of harm, loss, or chaos, withdrawal from imaginative play, or sudden loss of interest in activities that used to engage them. The content of play is often where the child is processing things they cannot say.

Sign 4: Behaviour shifts at school the parent might not see

Many children mask at school and decompose at home, or vice versa. The signal here is usually a report from a teacher, the school counsellor, or another adult who sees the child in a different context. Trust those reports, even when they do not match what you see at home. A teacher saying "she seems quieter than usual" or "he has been more reactive with peers" is often the earliest signal.

Sign 5: Regression

A previously potty-trained child wetting the bed. A child who could separate easily suddenly clinging. Thumb-sucking returning. Baby talk reappearing. Regression in children is the developmental nervous system saying it cannot meet current demands. It is not deliberate. It is signalling.

Other signs that warrant attention

• Sudden withdrawal from friends or activities
• Changes in appetite (eating much more or much less)
• Increased clinginess or independence that is out of pattern
• Tantrums or meltdowns of greater intensity or frequency
• Statements that minimize their own worth ("I am stupid," "no one likes me")
• Significant difficulty separating for school
• Increased risk-taking or boundary testing
• Changes in body posture or facial expression that suggest sadness or fear
• Picking at skin, pulling hair, biting nails to a degree beyond habit

What is often happening underneath

The most common drivers of childhood distress: a family transition (separation, move, new sibling, loss), a difficult experience at school (bullying, academic struggle, peer conflict), a frightening event (medical, accidental, witnessed), a parent's own struggle that the child is picking up on, or developmentally-appropriate anxiety that has tipped into clinical territory.

Children are highly attuned to parents' emotional states even when parents are working hard to hide them. The household climate is often part of the picture.

How to approach your child about it

Direct questions ("are you okay?") often get the answer "yes" because children do not know how else to respond. More effective approaches: open-ended observations ("I have noticed you have been having more tummy aches"), parallel activities (talking during a drive, walk, or shared task rather than face to face), and giving the child time and multiple low-pressure openings rather than one big conversation.

When to bring in a professional

If the signs persist beyond a few weeks, intensify, or interfere with the child's daily life, a consultation with a child therapist is worth pursuing. Play therapy, sandtray, or art therapy meets children developmentally and gives them a way to process what they cannot put into words.

Curio Counselling Calgary has clinicians specialized in child and youth work, with a dedicated play therapy room. Parents typically book a free 20-minute consultation first to discuss what is going on. Curio Counselling Calgary is at 1414 8 St SW Suite 200, Calgary, AB T2R 1J6, in the Beltline. Phone 403-243-0303. In-person sessions in Calgary, virtual sessions across Alberta for older youth.